Russians are mercifully uncomplicated about eating, and do not usually insist on peculiar traditions such as saying Grace before meals or using the correct cutlery for the correct course on pain of death. However, Russian food can be rather heavy for the inexperienced, consisting of, as it does, an awful lot of mayonnaise, oil, lard, sour cream, sweet cream, butter and pork fat. Be careful when ordering in restaurants as many salads are actually bowls of mayonnaise with something suspicious in them. Although healthy eating can be taken too far, in Russia it is seldom taken far enough – when asked what kind of foods are healthy, Russians will often reply ‘meat’, which is contrary to what our doctors tell us. It perhaps supports Western doctors when we learn that on average Russians die when they are about fifteen years younger than most Western Europeans. In order to avoid embarrassing moments when invited to dinner in Russia, it is a good idea to get acquainted with some of the more common traditional Russian dishes so as to know which ones to choose and, more importantly, which ones to avoid. What follows is a list of some of the dishes you are likely to come across and some of the pitfalls associated with them.
“I like mayonnaise as much as the next man, providing the next man isn’t Russian”
– the author, 2005.
This well-known hearty Russian soup (OK, it’s actually Ukranian, but best not to mention this as ‘Borsch’ arguments have been known to last several days) is ideal for cold winter evenings. In fact, hearty is right – unidentifiable bits of animal occasionally gloop to the surface and in undercooked Borsch have been known to wink back at the eater. Best to close your eyes before you pick up the spoon. Served with mayonnaise or sour cream.
Translated, for some reason, as dumplings, they actually more closely resemble ravioli. If your host is a patriotic Russian nationalist (and let’s face it, there is no other kind of host) it is not recommended to say “Oh yes, ravioli, we have these in the West, only nicer” or they may well go beserk and try to drown you in a bowl of Borsch. Russians are fiercely proud of their national cuisine. No one has worked out why yet. Pelmeni is a ball of dough with a tiny piece of something that could be described as ‘meat’ in the middle. No use asking what kind of meat it is – in Russia men are men and meat is meat, although it has been reported that cut-price kangaroo flesh is shipped over from Australia and used extensively in shop-bought meat products. The meat is saturated in peculiar tasting spices, the function of which is to mask the taste of the meat. Similar to ‘Kinder Surprise’, the meat often yields a little gift from whatever health and safety-ignoring factory that it was produced in. Bits of sharp wire, rusty nails, finger nails and actual fingers, minced and whole, have all been fished out of bits of pelmeni, although the minced fingers do add to the flavour. Served with mayonnaise or sour cream.
Pronounced ‘Olivier’ as in ‘Lawrence Olivier’ this is what Russians mean by the word ‘salad’. Also known as ‘I love you’ salad, it is an appetising mix of boiled vegetables and processed sausage all dunked in a vat of mayonnaise. Not recommended for people with heart conditions or anything less than an iron stomach. It’s salad Jim, but not as we know it. Served with more mayonnaise.
This is actually the Russian word for herring, and is always served raw and swimming in onions, vodka or engine oil. If you really like raw fish, stick to sushi. Served with mayonnaise or sour cream.
An absolutely ridiculous name for an absolutely ridiculous dish. It contains the above selyodka, covered with a layer of mayonnaise about the same thickness as the Antarctic ice shelf, and topped off with a layer of beetroot. Yum-yum. It is difficult to know who to feel most sorry for – the dead herrings which finish up under all that mayonnaise or the poor buggers who have to eat it. Served with more mayonnaise.
At last, something you can eat! Schi is cabbage soup, thin, dull and not exactly a taste explosion. However, it does not hold any hidden horrors and is actually quite nice providing that you like cabbage. The only danger here, as with anything consumed in Russia, is of a well-meaning person ladling a big gob of mayonnaise into it (because they know you really want mayonnaise, you were just being polite by not taking it). Some kind of netting or cloth cover is recommended as a convenient way of protecting your bowl against well-meaning mayonnaise.
This is a very peculiar cross between cold soup and salad. It consists of vegetables, sometimes with egg, swimming in a pool of kvas (a fermented bread drink). It’s actually not bad at all providing nobody dollops the ubiquitous vat of mayonnaise in it. Served with mayonnaise or sour cream.
Shashlik is shish kebab, and can be an enjoyable experience providing certain precautions are taken. First of all, never tell your nationalist host that you have such things in the West, or that they are called kebabs. The word ‘kebab’ in Russian refers to ‘Lula kebabs’, made of minced processed meat as opposed to big chunks of meat, and if you get into an argument about what shashlik are called in English you will quickly learn the aptness of the phrase ‘Russians never give up’. Obviously only the Russians eat shish kebab, despite the fact that they probably originated in the Caucuses, and the fact that they are cooked to a dubious state of perfection in every garden barbecue from Vladivostok to Los Angeles, going the long way round. Next, be careful in preparation. Always volunteer to help with the cooking, as people in Russia think nothing of giving the fire (usually a wood fire rather than charcoal) an almighty waft with some kind of board every few minutes. This gets the fire going nicely and completely covers the kebabs in wood ash. Although not actually harmful, bits of charred grit in your mouth are not all that pleasant and if you complain you will be regarded as a foreign pansy. No matter how well you cook the kebabs, your plate will always be the one covered in wasps. Served with mayonnaise.
Kholodets is described in many translations as a 'meat tureen' - brawn, in other words. If you like the remains of animal carcasses boiled for several weeks and then served up as a great big wobbly jelly, then you'll love this. Served with that most infamous and fearsome of all known condiments - Russian mustard. This dish does serve a useful function - a spoonful of kholodets with mustard (believe me, any more than a tiny spot of this stuff will put you in hospital) gulped down straight after bad, warm vodka can take the shuddering and gagging effect of the vodka away. Problem is, how do you get rid of the shuddering and gagging effect of the kholodets?
Salo is pork fat, pure and simple. It isn't cooked, but if you're in luck it will be decorated with herbs and spices. These do not help in any way as it is still raw pork fat. To eat, simply put it on a slice of bread. It goes down so well with vodka...and then comes up again with similar ease.
Eaten extensively on the street, at work and in schools, sunflower seeds, or ‘semochki’, are a healthy option alternative to smoking. People crack the shells open with their front teeth, then spit out the empty shell all over the pavement, work desk or your new shoes. An enthusiastic seed muncher can easily be spotted by the missing front teeth. It says something about sunflower seeds that in other countries they are only popular with hamsters, gerbils and budgerigars. No one’s tried serving them with mayonnaise yet but there’s always a first time.
Now we’ve really struck the bottom. Vobla is dried salted fish, usually roach or bream. Despite the fact that roach and bream have long been considered as the most inedible of all fish, this doesn’t stop the Russians eating them. They are eaten as a snack to go with beer, and if you can stomach the gut-wrenching smell of fish innards as they are opened up, and can avoid the spray of dried scales as they are cut up, then they make an interesting alternative to peanuts and crisps. Just don’t try introducing it to your local pub when you get back home or you will be barred for life. For God’s sake don’t try serving it with mayonnaise.
These are included together because they are not genuinely Russian, but come from the native populations of modern and happening regions of Siberia such as Yakutia. Zheribyatina is raw, frozen horse meat. Stroganina is raw, frozen fish. They are both surprisingly edible, provided they are well-frozen and you swallow them quickly – the cold hides the taste. Should you chew slowly whilst ruminating on something, you will soon be ruminating on how the fish ice-cream is really starting to taste like raw fish guts or how the petrified horse is starting to taste of rotting Shergar. It"s then you understand why these dishes haven"t really caught on in the rest of the world. If you really can’t get out of eating these ‘delicacies’, take a discreet plastic bag with you. You’ll need it to be sick into. Could be served with mayonnaise in order to hide what it actually is.
Everyone knows that vodka is the traditional drink of Russia, and it can be a pleasant experience if you are sensible and approach it with caution, i.e. not like how the Russians drink it. For some reason, alcoholic measures in Russia are measured in grams, which isn’t half as sensible as good old fashioned British measurements such as inches, feet, rods, poles, perches and threepenny bits. Fifty grams of vodka is equivalent to a double measure in a British pub.
The sensible way to drink vodka is in a cocktail and to sip it. Unfortunately, you are only allowed to put vodka in a cocktail in Russia if you are a woman, and even then you need a damn good excuse. What is more, a firing squad can be summoned for sipping, teaching you the difference between a sip and a shot. Vodka is drunk neat, in shot glasses (for fairies) or tumblers (for real men). A typical shot will be fifty to one hundred grams, and it must be downed in one. A toast will generally be declared before any round of drinking, but don’t let that lull you into a false sense of security – Russians can think of more toasts than most people have eaten slices of in a lifetime, and you will soon find yourself toasting neighbours, people’s tennis partners and the host’s golden retriever. After taking your shot of vodka, it is customary to have a bite of something to eat. This is sensible – not only does it line your stomach and give you something to throw up later, but it also helps to soothe the retching impulse after it goes down.
Traditional snacks to eat with vodka are pickled and salted cucumbers and anything with mayonnaise. If the food runs out, don’t worry because you can carry on drinking – simply down your vodka, place your nose on to the hair of a person you fancy and inhale deeply. This is a splendid Russian tradition and shows how the Russians invented speed dating long before the West. However, there is something about snorting a mixture of hair grease and dandruff that can put even the drunkest of people off a member of the opposite sex.
Try to drink expensive vodka rather than cheap stuff – it is actually much better, with less contaminants, and tastes virtually of nothing. The cheapo stuff reeks of something poisonous and has been known to result in death from the non-ethanol poisons in it. Drinking such a strong alcoholic drink so quickly often results in displays of pathetic drunkenness. Try to make sure that this is not you. One moment you can be feeling fine and on top of the world (“Ah, yes, another nip of the old Stolly-Wolly, why not?”) and the next you are suddenly squirming about like Eddie Hitler after a night out on the Old Spice and throwing up into toilets, buckets and unattended pockets (attended pockets, if you’re really on form). Let’s face it – drinking neat vodka down in one is very bad for your health, never mind what the Russians say about killing germs and keeping you warm. Apart from the obvious internal organ damage, Vodka is responsible for a frightening number of serious and fatal accidents, not to mention fights and domestic violence. Best to stick to beer and wine, but if you have to drink it, some simple subterfuges such as switching every other one with a shot of water should prevent a possible blackmailing situation in later life.
Go on, get it down you, it’ll do you good. Medicinal, it is. Honest. Whatever you do, don’t breathe in as you’re tipping the glass to your lips or you’ll gag before you’ve even drunk it. Exhale deeply, expansively and show-offingly so that everyone knows the entertainment is starting. Only then raise the glass to your lips. Some people prefer to shut their eyes and think of England when they do this, but generally they can’t hold out much further than Wolverhampton. Try to imagine that the glass contains pure, ice-cold mineral water. Then have your experience shattered as warm, cheap possibly industrial spirit is poured into your mouth. Try not to gag yet as you’ll spray your fellow revellers with the stuff. Hold your nose and swallow. Every single cell in your body will protest and try to reject the pure poison that you’ve just put in, and it takes iron will-power to quell the explosion of rejection from your body and swallow it in one, or if you’re unlucky, two gulps. If you have an open gullet then you’re in luck, you don’t have to taste it; the rest of us, however, have to swill it around our mouth before we can get it down. As the oily, highly volatile substance slides down your throat, be prepared with a glass of juice or other soft drink to chase it with, in the vain hope that it’ll create a cocktail in your stomach. You will gag, almost certainly, but try not to let it back up or you’ll just have to drink another one. Feel your body shudder as every single molecule in your body is poisoned and cries out in shock. Now pick up a suspicious-looking pickled cucumber and munch on it. Even vinegar and salt-water comes as a relief after the 100 grams of Gzhelka vodka that you tipped down your neck. There you go, I said you could do it. Now light up a cigarette (Belomorkanal for preference), sit down with a beatific smile and proceed to tell the assembled gathering about military service and how useful it is for the younger generation. During this time, various neurones will stop firing and brain cells will shut down altogether which is actually the desired, pleasurable effect in vodka. But you won’t have time to contemplate this, because it’ll be time for the next toast.
A really yummy cocktail of beer and vodka. Don’t drink it unless you’re really sure that you want to end it all.
Rassol is the liquid in jars of pickled or salted cucumbers. Traditionally used as a hangover cure after a night of vodka drinking (see above), its efficacy is based upon the fact that it takes your mind off the hangover. If you ever drink it, you’ll find that it is particularly effective at this. It is always recommended to secretly take ibuprofen/codeine pills for a hangover when you wake up, then you can pretend to your host that a couple of sips of rassol has done the job.
Since 1991, beer has usurped vodka as the country’s most popular drink. According to Duma logic, this is very bad and beer drinking has been banned in many places in Russia, although as no one knows where it is banned and where it is permitted, and since nobody takes any notice of the law anywaythis isn’t really very important. Try not to drink it near Metro stations, schools, government buildings and police stations. In fact, try not to be near police stations without beer either. It cannot be said that Russian beer is amazing, but it is of a reasonable general standard and there is a huge number of varieties to choose from, although not much to choose from between them. It is also quite cheap, a typical 500ml bottle costing about 50 pence. In some towns, beer can be bought draught from a kiosk, so take an empty plastic bottle with you. The reason for doing this will become evident if you go for some beer without one, and you end up trying to take four litres of ‘Volzhanin’ beer home in your newly-acquired racoon fur hat.
Kvas is a peculiar drink made of fermented bread. It is non, or only slightly, alcoholic, and is sparkling and slightly sweet. In fact, served cold, it is extremely refreshing if you don’t mind the idea of drinking liquid Warburton’s. It can often be found being dispensed quite cheaply on the street from large, yellow mobile tanks (not the military kind). Very nice if you fancy a cold beer but don’t want any alcohol.
Tea seems to be even more popular in Russia than in England, although it is usually drunk without milk in Russia. There are all types of tea available, many of which profess to taste of jasmine, sandalwood or marijuana. Recent scientific experiments have suggested that they all taste of tea.
With its linguistic similarity to the English word ‘compost’, Kompot does not sound very appetising. However, it is merely a rather inoffensive stewed fruit drink which comes recommended if you’re short of cash.
Yuk. See Traditional Remedies if you really want any more information.
Some people love this. Others hate it. It is supposed to be a universal cure for just about anything, from a slight cough to dysentery and beri beri. Whether you love it or not, the huge wedge of rancid butter that’s plopped in just before you drink it ensures it’s place in the top ten methods of throwing up.
You what? I kid you not. Placing your feet in a bowl of warm mustard wards off chills, colds, flu and other nasties. If you usually do your shopping at Waitrose and you’re wondering how Russian pensioners can afford to buy 20 litres of Dijon mustard every time they have a cold, don’t worry – this is made up from fearsome and dirt cheap Russian mustard powder with warm water sloshed over it and poured into a tazik (a plastic bowl, strangely just big enough to fit a couple of feet in). It’s pretty effective – it wards off just about anything including the wife, the kids and the neighbours’ cat which tries to take a chunk out of you and then goes beserk. You don’t half feel like a complete twerp though, sitting there with your feet in a bowl of mustard.
No, it’s not a misprint. Badgers – really! The fat of a freshly caught badger is stirred into hot milk and knocked straight back. This is supposed to be very good for your lungs, for pneumonia and things like that. It is not very good for the poor badger, although who the hell goes looking for badgers when they’ve got pneumonia? If you’re not ill before you set out hunting, several nights baiting traps in the pouring rain will ensure you’ll need the badgers’ services when you get back home. Actually, you can buy tablets in any Russian chemist which contain badger fat, so that might save a bit of time, although doing it the traditional way is more Russian.
Rassol is the liquid in a jar of pickled cucumbers (that’s gherkins, to you), or sometimes in a jar of pickled tomatoes, or a jar of pickled just about anything. You were supposed to have eaten all the actual cucumbers last night at the party, one after each vodka. In the morning you swill all the remaining liquid down as a hangover cure. Surprisingly, I have never found this to work, although to be fair I’ve never managed to keep it down for more than ten seconds.
The Banya is the Russian sauna, and Russians will argue for hours over the difference between the two. Whilst in Russia, make sure you tell everyone how much better Banyas are than wimpish Western saunas, despite the fact that you won’t be able to tell the difference. It’s something to do with wet heat and dry heat. Possibly. Don’t be alarmed when, as you are lying there, suffocating at temperatures of 13 million degrees centigrade, some sado-masochist nut-job comes at you with a fistful of birch twigs and starts giving you the hiding your mother should have given you. He’s doing you a good turn, honestly, beating out all the ingrained dirt that’s lodged in your pores. And just remember, that when he’s finished it will be your turn to thrash him – just make sure it hurts. After your beating, you can stagger out, croquet-hoop style, and jump into the cold plunge pool which is bliss! If your Banya is located near a river or lake, most people will plunge into this. It is probably more sensible to simply calm down and enjoy the cool, fresh air rather than dive into the river, especially if it is a big one such as the Yenisey, or Lena. Drowning, although part of the fun, is not good for your health, not even in Russia. When you are in the Banya, ensure you locate where the coal/wood burner is. Don’t sit near it. If someone pours a load of water over it then it is definitely time to get the hell out of there; if you delay you will be overcome by scalding steam and all you’ll be able to do is roar with pain along with everyone else. If the burner is situated near the door, be extra careful when getting up – it is steep, slippery and almost certainly you’ll be pissed. The author still has the scars where he fell of the top bench right into a white hot burner; and please remember, ladies and gentlemen, that I was completely naked at the time. Ouch! For all its daftness, the Banya really does make you feel good and it is a splendid way to have a good time and get to know new people. The sudden shock from hot to cold and back again has been known to cause heart attacks though, so be careful.
We're not talking about the game here.Russians are intensely paranoid about draughts and cold winds. You might not think this unusual in a country with such cold winters, but they go beserk if there’s even the tiniest draught in mid-summer. The belief is that draughts and cold winds cause colds. Trying to explain that germs cause colds, and that if it were true that cold is the reason for colds then everyone in Siberia would be permanently ill for six months of every year, is a waste of time and will merely get you labelled as a Western Idiot.
It is generally regarded to keep you strong and healthy if you pour a bucket of freezing cold water over your head every morning. Quite why this should be so if even the slightest of cold draughts is supposed to make you ill is unclear. Take extra care when doing this one, as the shock from the freezing water can make you slip over in the bath and have to be taken to hospital for head wounds.
When people get a cut in Russia they put this weird green stuff on the wound called Zelenka (literally ‘green’). It acts as an antiseptic and also blocks the wound off from germs. It’s pretty good stuff actually, rather effective, but it can be a little disconcerting to see people wandering around with stripes of green paint all over them. Don’t be tempted to ask if they’ve just had a DIY accident, or you might be needing some too.